Just Smile
by TeacupOctopusTopHat
Summary: Tohru’s thoughts as she deals with the most difficult event in her life after her mother’s death: being left behind once again. Contains Spoilers: Takes place during Volume 21 & 22 of the manga.


Spoiler Content:

This story contains spoilers for after chapter 120 (And really most of volume 21) of the manga. Proceed with caution.

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A/N: This is something I wrote for Tohru, and also for myself. Just a drabble of her thoughts when she's in the hospital after her accident.

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I can get by in most moments. In the moments when I don't think of you. But when I slip up and remember that day in the rain, I have to close my eyes and take a deep breath. Sometimes, I'm okay. Other times, the memory of you pierces me in ways that are at first unrestrained elation and then gut-wrenching heartache. The adrenaline rushes through me like a roller coaster; an invigorating rise and pitiful fall. In those moments, I clench my fists and only focus on the pain of my nails digging into my skin. When I remember your laugh, when I remember your eyes meeting mine, when I remember your gentle touch, even as you lightly rap me on the head, I can't stop the warmth emanating from within me. You just make me happy and I can't stop that. I truly can't be mad at you, no matter what you said or your intentions. You said you were protecting yourself and that is your ugliness, but I still don't care. This is me being selfish. Didn't you say it was okay for me to be selfish every once in a while?

Is it the wrong place at the wrong time? I thought it was the right time. I didn't know how the timing could've been better. I thought 'what a way for this to happen'; I didn't expect to blossom like a flower in my heart. Before I saw it coming, all at once, it was beautiful. When we were together in any way, I was giddy and blissful. Just being by your side was the highlight of each day.

My own demons come to haunt me, pestering me that I should've just kept quiet and settled for what I had. They try to nettle me, never truly retreating once I've internally dispelled their arguments. I don't regret my actions of telling you how I feel. I don't regret the decision I made to take the leap into uncertainty.

Sometimes relationships come in the form of opportunities and you can grasp them or let them pass you by. Some people regret those that they lost hold of, wondering if that was the one that got away. But I reached and I clawed and I grasped. I tried my best for that opportunity. And despite that, you rejected me. You looked me in the eyes and rejected me. The hardest thought to accept is the fact that I gave it my all, yet I have no control over that opportunity anymore. I put our potential in your hands and you let it fall between your fingers, keeping your gaze locked on mine as it crashed to smithereens at our feet.

And in certain moments, I think to myself that in time you'll regret it and maybe change your mind. I will move on with my life; I've had to be strong like that before. But if you changed your mind and called out for me, I'd be by your side in an instant. I know that would be unfair to myself, my being and my heart. But the hope inside me endures like a flame, though dull and flickering. My head knows that such hope lingers in vain.

At this point, there's really nothing more I can do but move forward. I wanted to move forward with you. It seems like you've already started. I can see you disappearing ahead of me, you've made sure your stride is too quick for me and I can't keep up. And I realize I've once again been left behind. In those moments, I clench my fists and only focus on the pain of my nails digging into my skin.

When I see you again, I'll smile. I just need to smile. And pretend like nothing happened and pretend that I'm just as okay as you are. I just need to smile.

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A/N: Sorry it was a little angsty. I was just thinking of the hurt she must have felt. She lost her mom, the most important person in her life, and then she feels she loses Kyo, he who became the most important person to her even over her mom.

I'm sure she spiraled in the hospital; where was she supposed to go from there in her life? I imagined the gut wrenching feeling of trying to move forward after being derailed in what you want most. I think to some degree we all have felt heartbreak like this and I hope it resonates with others.


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